Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Expressing our feelings

All of us have feelings because we are human beings.

Dr Daniel Goleman wrote a best seller called  Emotional Intelligence

Today, I am just looking at a particular aspect of feelings. The question is : Is it right for us to categorize feelings into positive or negative?

Can we say that positives emotions includes happiness, excitement, hopeful  while negative feelings includes sadness, disappointment, guilt, anger, disgust, fear etc ?

The answer is a big big NO. We cannot and must not classify our feelings into these 2 category in a “all or none”  manner.

Emotions or feelings is simply a human response to situations or circumstances around us. It is essential for our survival !  Imagine if we bump into a king cobra snake  and we do not have feelings!

Feelings are complex. We may have not only a single emotion at a time but a mixture of it. Feelings are influence by our genetic ( biological makeup ) as well as environmental ( upbringing and present circumstances ).

It is biological because certain brain structures such amygdala or hypothalamus regulate the emotional traffic in our brains.  It is environmental because early childhood experiences affects the child’s personality and how he or she perceives the world, as secure place or a highly dangerous zone .

So is fear a negative or positive feelings?  Excessive fears to social situations may be disabling. However, the Singaporean mountain climber, Khoo Swee Chiow who scaled Everest for three times, relies heavily on his fears to assess the amount of danger to help him managed the degree of risk he need to take during his climb

By labeling feelings as positive as negative, we will automatically create an unhealthy label towards a child who are experiencing sadness or disappointment due to school bullies.  Responses such as “ you should not feel this way “ or “ Just ignore them” , " stop behaving negatively" happens all too often.  Hence the child may experience shame and embarrassment and prevented from healthy expression of their feelings. The feelings will be push down for years until it explodes like a volcano on an unexpected day.

In short, feelings are real and they are simply feelings.  It is a signal which tells us about how someone is coping or dealing with his or her present situation.  Feelings must be allowed to be expressed and not to be labelled as positive or negative.

Feelings need to be listened to with patience and understanding. When feelings are handled carefully and wisely,  every child will grow up with emotional maturity and intelligence.

Here a great video entitled “Man Up” which featured Gus Worland, radio star from Australia helping us (especially men) to express our feelings.

The Right Dose of Pain in Life

I am sure most of us are familiar with the term " No pain , no gain ".  But how much pain can we actually handle or cope with?

Early this year, I have my first experience with a severe toothache. It was a severe pain during a long public holiday. As such, my regular dentist was closed for a week long holiday.

The intense pain was severe, throbbing and excruciating, to say the least.  It was persistent too.   After 2 days of enduring the pain, it became some unbearable and disabling and I finally surrender!  I resorted to pain killers which gave me some degree of relief and respite. After about week of physical and mental torment, my dentist save my day and repaired my tooth.

My second experience of pain was  rather brief but enlightening.  A week ago, after two hours of jogging with my son, I developed severe muscular pain over my leg muscles and both my knees. Every step i took was painful. It was painful when i climbed the stairs too and i was literally limping when i walked down the stair.  At last, i have a glimpse of how it felt like for senior citizens who need to cope with severe joint pains due to degenerative diseases.

Pain can be a good or a bad thing. Depending on the degree and how long it lasted.

Pain sensations helps us to detect danger such as  a hot kettle or a nail on the ground A headache or stomach ache may be a signal to something wrong in the brain or the digestive system and may prompt us to seek the help of a doctor.

Emotional pain or distress such as severe and prolong anxiety, panic attack, depressed feelings should prompt us to find out what is wrong with our daily life, coping style, stress level at work or our relationships and re-evaluate our social support system.

However,  severe and intense pain is not something that we would really welcome. Severe and prolong pain causes huge suffering to any human being. And everyone who are in such pain, be it physical or emotional should be given due concern and understanding. 

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Guilt : The powerful emotion


Healthy sense of guilt help us to reflect on our mistakes.  We could then rectify it and move on in life.

Unhealthy guilt or excessive guilt could wreck our emotions leading to excessive self blame, painful regrets or even severe depressive state.

Many a times, the feelings of guilt is so strong and overwhelming even though there is no evidence of wrong doing !!  This is called irrational or illogical guilt.

Some of us may have certain temperament or higher tendency to feel guilty.  It may be due to a harsh self-critical tendency or high expectations of self. It could be due to difficult childhood experiences.

However, the absence of guilt feelings may spell danger too. It may result in extreme self-righteousness  with no regards for what is right or wrong!

So what is the key element ?

1) Seek and understand the Truth about what is right and wrong.

2) Understand that none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes and learn from it daily.

3) Knowing that we only need to do the right thing and not to please anyone's expectations.

4) Knowing that we just need to try.  And do what we CAN DO. Not what we cannot do.

So folks, I shall leave you with my favourite quote by Mother Teresa.

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Letter from Father series

My beloved children, this video clip is meaningful for Daddy. Please view it with an open mind and heart. :)


Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The Rules for Pleasure

Letter to my children series : Rules for pleasure.

Experiencing pleasures in life is like walking through a hotel corridor. I am heading towards a destination to attend a meeting. However, there are many rooms along the corridor. Imagine that these hotels rooms are not occupied and I am free to explore these rooms, from the Presidential suite to the junior suites.

And there are gyms, sauna and a relaxing swimming in the hotel. I may take a refreshing swim before I proceed for my meeting. Besides, I need to be mindful of the feelings of my loved ones and that some rooms are strictly prohibited. And I should not indulge in my swim or sauna, otherwise I may not reach my meeting venue on time.

Dr. Ravi Zacharias, a renowned philosopher and apologist shared that there is indeed a guiding principles on experiencing pleasures in life.

He quoted from F.W. Boreham , 3 rules for experiencing pleasure.

1) Whatever that refreshes us but does not compromise our final goal/purpose in life is a legitimate pleasure.

2) Any pleasure that jeopardize the sacred rights of another person is an illegitimate pleasure.

3) Experience pleasures in moderate amounts and do not indulge.

Rule No. 1 : 

Simple pleasures which help us to relax and gives us joy are legitimate needs. However, it should not compromise our value system or lead us away from our desired purpose in life.

So what’s the catch here? We need to discover “What is our final goal or purpose in life?”

Rule No. 2 : 

We need to experience pleasures within the boundaries of mutual respect and observing the  dignity of our loved ones as well as our fellow human beings.

Rule No. 3 : 

We need to enjoy pleasures in reasonable and moderate degree and amount to avoid  indulgence or addiction.  

Pleasures without conscience are illegitimate pleasures 
                                                                                                             Mahatma Gandhi

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

The Inner War

The Inner War : 2

My beloved children,

In the month of July 2014, when all of you were still very young, I wonder if you remember that we spend really good time watching the movie “ Frozen”.

And Daddy remember this early scene where one of the princess, while playing with her sister, fell and injured her head and became unconscious. Her parents was in a state of panic and quickly rushed her to meet the great healer in the kingdom. And here is what the healer said to the King, “ King, you are lucky, it is not the heart, the heart is not so easily change but the head can be persuaded”

Daddy would presumed that the word "heart" in the movie was referred as the centre of human emotions and desires.

Each day, we are confronted with events which requires us to make good choices. And we need to exercise both our mind, emotions(feelings) and our soul to make good and wise choices or decisions. There will always be a tug of war between your soul , mind and the emotions. Always remember that our emotions are often instinctive, intuitive as well as reactive. The human emotions cares more for the human survival, eg anger, fear, love, lust and pleasures. Meanwhile the human mind are very vulnerable and may be easily hijacked by our emotions. So, who can rescue us from the power of our emotions?

It is the soul or sometimes referred as the conscience. The soul seeks not the wisdom of the limited human mind but the ultimate wisdom from the great Truths and the wisdom of the Creator.

Therefore, my beloved children, Daddy urges all of you to give the highest priority to the voices of the inner soul , more than the mind or the feelings, in your daily choices.

With unconditional love



Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Meaningful moments

This morning, while I was working, there was a strange feeling in me. It was a brief moment of feeling low and down. So I began to search deeper within me to find out the cause.

But the cause was not immediately obvious to me. I wondered whether I was feeling a little anxious about a chairing session which i was not fully prepared on the coming Thursday.

So I did a quick search on the speaker's profile and got all the info that i need to introduced the speaker for that day.

Perhaps it was something else that trigger that feeling. Guess what?  I feel much better towards the later part of the day.

So I concluded that an anxious moment may make us feel low sometimes. And it is absolutely okay to feel anxious and low mood for brief moments. Life is a series of ups, downs and neutral or peaceful moments. We cannot be happy and ecstatic all the time.

I also realized that the the driving force for each waking day is my awareness of personal passion.

So what motivates us each moment in our day?

1) The pearls of wisdom i gain from every client I see.
2) The unique experiences that each client presents to me.
3) Support from our working team mates.
4) Each daily experience help me to feel nearer to my Creator. Be it joyful moments or moments of pain and grief.
5) Soothing Music which accompanies me even as i journey the day
6) Gestures of thanks and appreciation from the people whom we have helped
7) Looking forward for a hug or smile from our loved ones or friends ( Relationships )

I believe these will make each moment counts. Each moment meaningful.